The Downfall of Joshua Lyman
by MissMonk
Summary: Josh/Sam Slash - - Based around S5 ep Constituency of One. There's only so much a person can take until they finally crash and can no longer pick themselves up. includes drama, angst, mental instability...so basically my normal writing. Rated M just in case.
1. Chapter 1

Timeline: Season 5 Constituency of One

A/N: So this is an AU using some of the premise of the ep and moving beyond. I've Extended some things and yes things will be different. Its probably gonna be a bit dramaish/angsty.

But before we begin, I'd just like to point a couple things out so when reviewing you really DON"T need to point it out.

1\. Yes i'm aware the characters would not do, say, act, think, or eat that way. Its a fictional story within a fictional world of a television show.

2\. No, I don't care.

Enjoy and review!

Chapter 1

Sam hung up the phone again without leaving another message. It was october 29th's, and it was his best friend and secret loves birthday.

It was times like this when he sometimes wish he was still in Washington. Not working in the west wing, he doesn't regret that. It was an honor to serve at the pleasure of a great man, but the job was slowly killing everything he believed in.

The only thing he really missed by leaving was his friend, especially Josh. They hadn't parted on good terms which still bothered Sam.

He had fallen in love with Josh early on when they first met. It had scared him at the time, on how fast and how hard it had happened. It had been Josh that had convinced him to leave politics for the courtroom. Not with words but with a broken heart. With as close as they were, the best of friends so quickly, it had seemed inevitable that they would end up in bed eventually. The fallout after was still to this day devastating. Same didn't regret sleeping with Josh despite devastation of what happened after.

It had happened at the end of summer when Sams internship was about to end. He was packed up to go back to Duke to finish his law degree. A bunch of fellow interns and friends of theirs were throwing a party before everyone left back to wherever.

The music was loud and the alcohol flowed and Same spent the whole night at Josh's side. They shared a taxi afterword, going to Josh's apartment to squeeze in just a little more time with each other. They had sat on his couch, talking about everything and anything while drinking beer and eating the leftover chinese from the previous day that was in Josh's friend when Sam had been over there to watch the Mets play.

The food was cold and slightly gross and it soaked up the alcohol in his system making him much more sober than he wanted to be, allowing him to notice that they kept moving closer to each other as the night moved on. It was about 2 AM when Sam looked up, startled suddenly at the soft look in Josh's eyes as he gazed back at Sam. It made his heart pound in his chest and the blood rush in his ears.

Without any further thought Sam had leaned over closing the remaining distance between them and gently place a soft kiss upon Josh's lips. He pulled back, eyes still closed afraid of what kind of reaction Josh would have. But knowing he couldn't keep them closed forever he slowly opened them to look over at the friend and man he was secretly in love with.

His heart beat faster, expecting to see shock or anger upon Joshes' face. But what he saw was Josh in the same position with his eyes still closed and his fingertips gently touching his lips with a soft smile upon them. Sam had waited a few beats before reaching his hand out to touch his friends, smiling when Josh finally opened his eyes and hesitantly entwined their fingers.

Sam picked up his phone and pressed the speed dial for Josh again. The phone rang a few times before voicemail picked up with the same greeting Josh had since the campaign. He gave an annoyed sigh at the beep, debating leaving another message or not.

"Hey Josh, it's Sam. It's still early out there so I"m guessing a wild party courtesy of one Donna Moss is going on. I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Call me tomorrow." Same hung up the phone, looked at it for a few beats before tossing it on the couch, knowing he wouldn't get a call tonight.

The options of what to do with himself for the rest of the night filtered in. He had no plans other than to call Josh. He had brought some work home with him but he didn't really have the will to deal with it. He had a major case going on and he was frustrated with the client who didn't know what the word "cooperation" meant.

He stretched out on the couch, flicking channels he wondered to himself why he bothered paying for cable. He doesn't have time nor does he care for watching much TV. The only thing he truly watches is News and the occasional documentary. He preferred books.

Changing the channel to CNN, which he knew he would settle on anyways Same watched it with glazed eyes not really taking in what was on the screen as his felt his body relax and slowly fall asleep. His last thought was wondering if he should call Donna just to check up on Josh.

Just on the brink of falling asleep, the reporter changed from the repetitive stories to announce that they were breaking live to an unscheduled press conference being held by Idaho Democratic Senator Carrick. Sam sat up, grabbing the remote to turn up the volume as he watched curiously on what the senator would have to say suddenly this late at night.

"I have come today with a heavy heart to announce that I will be resigning a Democratic Senator. I feel the party has not respected the great state of Idaho as they should be. I feel they have not been as supportive of the needs of the people who have voted both me and the current administration. I have been patient as I supported the parties legislation-"

"Bull shit." Sam muttered as he continued watching feeling anger at the betrayal of the senator and sympathy for his friends who will have to deal with the fallout.

"But I must do what is right for the voters and with that I am leaving Washington tonight back to Idaho to announce in the morning that I am running for Senator as a Republican."

Sam wasn't really surprised at all. Carrick had been basically voting republican the whole time he's been in office. The senior staff had spent more time than what was strictly needed debating why he had chosen to run as a Democrat in the first place. Picking up the remote Sam was about to turn the TV off and go to bed, having no in the ridiculous questions the press always asked when he was stopped suddenly by the last one, asked by the Washington Post.

"Senator Carrick, what was the action that caused you to choose now to break from the Democratic Party. What was the straw that broke it?" they asked. Carrik looked straight into the camera with a half smile that turned Sam's stomach.

"For that you can ask Josh Lyaman. That's all everyone. Thank you."

With that the senator walked away with his staff and Sam remained on his couch watching the replay and analysis of it while his heart stopped and his whole body became cold. The backlash his friend will get for this would be tremendous and potentially end his career. With a Republican House and a barely Democratic Senate, losing a member of the party was not going to go over well.

Picking up his phone he started to press the button for Josh again but stopped. He knew his friend wouldn't answer. He knew that Josh was with the president and Leo right now. That they were taking him out to the gallows to hang him by his feet and beat him bloody. He knew his friend would take it, be ashamed, accept their criticism quietly knowing anything they asked would be rhetoric. He knew it would probably last until very early in the morning when they would be so tired and pissed off that they will send Josh away. Tell him to get out of their sight and to stay out of it until they tell him otherwise.

All of that was obvious. What scared Sam was what Josh would do when he's finally home alone, with nobody around to watch him, to be with him, to make sure he's ok. The staff will just assume that he went home, he's drinking a beer and sitting on the couch in the dark angrily berating himself for what happened. But Sam knew otherwise. Sam knew Josh better than anyone probably ever did and he was afraid.

The thought of calling CJ or Toby or even Donna crossed his mind, but at the moment with all the damage control they had to do as Carrick leaving had weakened the entire administration, he wasn't sure if any of them would even care. But he needed something, anything to reassure him as everything told him to jump on a plane as quickly as possible, and decided to call the one person who would take his call and talk to him during a crisis.

Looking down at his phone he pushed any hesitation away and opened his contacts to call Donna. The phone rang several times, each time it started his gut would twist just a little more until she answered releasing it.

"Sam." Came Donna's breathy answer and he felt relief.

"How is he?" He asked her, omitting the niceties. Donna sighed and he could imagine her standing in the middle of her cubical or in Josh's office trying to stay calm and keep her head in the game.

"He's...he's in trouble Sam." She said simply. "Leo sent him home a few hours ago and has been in a closed door meeting with CJ, Toby, and Will since."

"Donna." Sam interrupted her before she could continue to repeat his question, needing an answer. "How is he?" Again there was a pause from her and he felt his gut twist again.

"He's Josh. He looked agitated, as he should be, when he left but…" She paused and Sam heard a soft click over the phone. For a second he thought she hung up before realizing it was a door. She didn't want to be discussing Josh out where everyone could hear and he felt relieved that his friend has at least one person to support him.

"Donna…" He promoted when she didn't say anything after a few beats.

"I'm worried Sam." She said softly. "I think his PTSD is starting up or...or something has happened or is going on that is weighing on him. Other than this, of course. He's been hot for the past few weeks, Leo has been pissed at him for weeks because of all the angry calls he's been getting about Josh."

"He's doing his job Donna. He's going to piss some people off to get what you need." He stated

"I know that Sam, but there's something else going on and I can't tell you what it is because I don't know. Damnit. " She swore and Sam worried more as he heard her sniffle a few times before continuing. "He's not sleeping Sam, he's lost so much weight. I don't think I've seen him really smile in weeks, and then with this…"

"Ok, It's going to be ok Donna." He said firmly, taking control of himself as his mind put into motion what needs to be done. "I'm going to pack a bag and get a flight out, I'll be there in the morning." He told her. He waited for her acknowledgment or for her to state the next step as she normally did. She was as quick on her feet as any of them and had frequently saved their collective asses.

But no response came. Only a few sniffles on the other end told Sam that she was still on the line. "Donna?" He prompted after a minute or so.

"No, don't come out here." She finally said baffling him.

"Why not?"

"Because...because it might make things worse. For Josh." She paused. "If his PTSD is starting again having you suddenly arrive here help him."

"Donna he's my best friend. He's in a bad place that's just going to get worse. He will need all the support he can get."

"You hurt him Sam!" She shouted into the phone.

"He forgave me."

"But you still hurt him. And you coming back here, yes will help him for a week or two you're here but then you're going to go back to California and leave him again." Sam took a steadying breath, turning her words over and over in his head.

"Donna, Josh and I will be ok." He said.

"No Sam. You won't. Honestly I don't know what it is between you and Josh. It's one of the few things about him that I can't seem to get. But I know that if you come here now when he's where he is, than we are going to lose him. And then we'll lose you. And Sam you and Josh are my friends and I don't want to lose either of you, even if that means keeping you apart."

"Donna…" He said quietly. He closed his eyes tightly, forcing the wetness in his eyes to stay there and not to fall. "He's my best friend. He's hurting, and I miss him. I should be there."

"You should but your not and you shouldn't come. Look, CJ just got out of the meeting with Leo and I need to talk to her. Please stay there ok." With that she hung up the phone and all that was left was silence as Sam held the phone to his ear.

He felt anger build in his chest at being told to stay away. He knew she was right, but everything in his being told him to get to the airport right away. His intuition was seldom wrong but he didn't have to consider Donna's words of caution. Sam knew Josh better than probably anyone else has ever known. But even with that Donna also knows him well. And she had been there with him since he left to run for office.

With a deep anguished sigh Sam dropped the phone on the floor and stretched back out on the couch. No sleep would come this time but at least he'll know exactly what the ceiling above him will look like.

A/N2: Fellow West Wing Fanfic readers, I'm looking for a story that I cant find. Its Josh/Sam slash and the basic story plot is Josh needs a heart transplant he believes it cant happen so he leaves Sam suddenly and Sam finds him in New York. its a post admin story. If anyone knows of where it is or any clues please message me.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: ok ok...so no reviews. Thats cool.

Uh, if you can read and review. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Chapter 2

Leo sat warily at his desk, reclining back with a hand covering his eyes. He was exhausted. More so than usual. He had been planning to call it an early night, leaving work early after he had celebrated his deputies birthday with the rest of the staff. Mallory had asked him to have dinner with her and though the normal answer was 'we'll see' he had decided right away to go. Too many times he had to turn her down for one thing or another but he hadn't seen her in weeks and sometimes even he needed a reminder that there was life outside the White House.

Everyone had been so light hearted and excited in the mural room as they gathered to shout 'surprise' at Josh. The rules were lax and it was like they were on the campaign again. Working to death for days on end until a victory arose and gang got together to celebrate and have a good time.

The West Wing was really like a huge family, and though they're overworked, underpaid, fight and argue a majority of the time it gave Leo a sense of pleasure and honor to have helped in the building of it. With that in mind he went against his better judgement and allowed Donna to put together a birthday party for Josh. It was a non-issue if it was anyone else's birthday but when it came to Josh it just wasn't done.

It was a matter that was brought into question even during the campaign. When Joshe's birthday came around and it was inevitable that someone would find out the date, Josh very firmly stated that he didn't want anything done about it. No party, no gifts, and if possible no birthday greetings. It baffled people but Leo backed him up and made it a direct order to treat it like any other day. It was the same way every year since until now.

The only people he ever told the reason why Josh was so dead set against celebrating were the president and his wife. It wasn't his business to tell anyone outside of who Josh chose to. The tale was short and simple. Josh's parents were out for the evening, gathering and ordering for Josh's 7th birthday that was just a few weeks away. They were going to stay in the city for dinner and be home late. Joanie, Joshes' elder sister who was 17 was watching him so their parents could enjoy their night. She had planned for them to watch a movie that was to be on and had been making popcorn for it.

The rest was history. He could imagine Josh, all of 6 years almost 7 of age sitting in the back seat of the Lymans car on the way back from the hospital where his sister's body stayed, the traditional jewish customs of mourning already in starting, moving faster than his young mind could figure out. The only thing the young child could focus on in his confused exhausted mine that night was that he was surrounded by party supplies that were for him and his sister was dead.

Leo wished he had put a stop to the party tonight. Perhaps everything would have turned out different.

"We should pull every bill Carrik has ever voted for since we got here and..and...spin it showing that he was never truly a Democrat to begin with." Toby's voice broke Leo out of his own thoughts.

"If we do that we will lose any possible votes we may need in the future." CJ chimed in. She looked exhausted and worried and that didn't make Leo feel any better at all. She was usually the most confidant one. If she was confident in something then he usually went with it.

"He hasn't voted for hardly anything of ours in the past why do we care now?"

"Because Toby…Well, just because."

"Well as long as you have a good point and can validate it."

"Ok, That's enough." Leo interrupted as Margaret walked in with a stack an inch thick of messages that he knew he would have to return. Why Carrik couldn't wait until the morning for his press conference was way beyond Leo's understanding.

"Leo, I don't think there is any way out of this." CJ said quietly. "There is going to be backlash and negative press on this. They only thing we can do is let it run and pretend we are intelligent adults not out to pick a fight."

"So you want us to just...just stand there and get our asses kicked by a bully?" Toby shouted, pacing in the back of the room.

"No, but when the question comes asking if we have any comment we should have something more than "well he didn't act like a real democrat anyways."

"What would you suggest CJ." Leo asked her, sitting up in his chair and leaning on his desk.

"We say "The White House is disappointed we couldn't come to an understanding but we wish him luck in the election and we'll see him back soon."

"Hey, that couldn't work." Will cut in from his chair in the corner.

"Ok, lets run with that. See how long it will keep them at bay while we come up with a few extra plans for when they realize what's really going on." Leo stated firmly. His tone closing the subject. The occupants in Leos office all stayed quiet for a few minutes, each sneaking slight glances at each other as they tried to bring up the elephant in the room. Leo was about to dismiss them when Margaret came in again with yet another stack of messages. He sighed warily knowing there would be no sleep for him till the end of the term the way they were going.

"Leo…" CJ started, her normally stead voice was much softer than it normally was. "What about Jo-"

"Don't! Don't go there." Leo said harshly, his agitation coming back.

"We have to-"

"No CJ we don't. We really don't."

"Leo, Carrick specifically mentioned Josh as the reason he finally left. He's going to be crucified by both the press and everyone in the party." She pressed and Leo had to force himself not to slam his fist on his desk and tell them 'to hell with Josh."

"Well since he caused this mess he's going to have to take one for the team." Leo stated. "He went too far this time. The party leaders were already pissed off at him in regards to the last two bills he failed to get the votes for-"

"That wasn't just his fault Leo, we all are to blame for that." Toby interjected, dropping himself carelessly on the couch next to CJ. "We couldn't get Maddison, Thomas, and Reed to see reason. They were so focused on their own agenda and what they wanted they didn't care about the importance of the bills."

"So that justifies Josh threatening them?" Leo questioned. "He punched Maddison in the face!"

"He deserved it. He said 'You know, just a few inches right and we could be speaking to someone competent right now." Toby said loudly causing everyone to wince at both the volume and the words.

"That doesn't give him justification for what he did. The Republican party was threatening to bring out the english as the national language again if we didn't issue a public apology."

"Which we did…" CJ pipped in.

"We're not going to discuss Josh. If anyone asks just tell them...hell just tell them no comment at this present time."

"I don't think that's a great idea Leo. And I'm also concerned about Josh himself. He's been-"

"I don't want to hear it CJ. He screwed up on such an epic proportion that it will probably tarnish the administration for past our duration. He have the budget negotiations going on and this will weaken us and damage programs we have already fought so hard for." He said angrily looking at his three employees, daring them to speak. "I think it's best for now we don't talk about Josh, and perhaps you should try avoiding him for awhile ok? Now get out, I have thousands of calls to return." And with that Leo dismissed them, ignoring the concerned expressions on their faces.

Josh walked slowly up the stairs to his apartment. His legs felt like lead and his head felt like it was filled with cotton, blocking out any thoughts and sounds. He barely felt the rain that had fallen upon him during his slow walk home. As he reached his apartment it was then he realized that he didn't have his backpack. Hell he didn't even have his coat. Once he was dismissed Josh got out of the west wing as humanly possible, not bothering to grab any of things, like his keys to the apartment he was now locked out of.

Josh hit the door hard with his fist before giving a hard sigh and leaning against the wall across from it. He debated going to see if the building manager was still awake to come let him in but Josh just wanted to fall to the ground in a heap of misery and pretend he didn't exist.

It was a second before Josh was about to just let his body slide down to the ground when his door opened widely, taking him a moment or two to register who could be in his house.

"Issac?" Josh said questioningly.

"Finally you're home." Issac said happily, grabbing Josh's hand and pulling him into the apartment. Once the door was closed Issac brought place his hand and both sides of Josh's face and pulled him to a fierce kiss. Josh was shocked and surprised, he just wanted to go home and fall into bed, but the feeling of the enthusiasm Issac had forced Josh to kiss back just as hard. He desperately needed a human touch that wasn't mad or disappointed in him. That's what he liked most about Issac.

Everything felt bleak and dark since Rosslyn. Even with the therapy and a lot of support from his friends he still felt something inside him that was empty. He had tried everything to fill it, to make it go away or try to ignore it but as one failure after another over the years since the shooting it never dulled or went away.

The only time it had subsided for any amount of time was the night when Toby and Josh took Sam out to get drunk to help him forget about his father's betrayal. They had taken Sam to Joshes so he could watch him as he was more drunk than he'd probably been since college. Halfway through the night Sam and woken from his drunken slumber with tears and Josh instantly wrapped his arms around him, kissed his temple and told him everything would be alright.

And it was then because the emptiness that lingered in Josh disappeared and he was filled and completely happy as they rolled around on the bed exploring each others bodies. For the first time afterwards Josh didn't feel the horrified shame he normally had after giving into his desire and sleeping with a male. He didn't feel his mind breaking or his gut twisting and the hatred that would burn within him until he gets home and let it out. And then the next day Sam played it off as a one night stand, though it wasn't their first nor was it their last. Up until Sam left they had a sort of 'friends with benefits' thing going on. Each time they were together the void would be filled and Josh would get lost in Sam. Then after Sam would leave and the hole would slowly empty until the next time. He had always loved Sam since they first met, so in fear of losing what he could have of him Josh kept silent and just continued giving Sam what he could.

Issac didn't fill the void, not even a little bit, but he was happy guy who seemed to really like Josh and Josh was drawn to the positive emotions that Issac easily displayed. He was always happy to see Josh. He loved telling him stories of the co-workers at his work. When they were together he didn't shy away from Josh's body. He never asked or seemed to judges all the scars that littered his skin, both intentional and not and just seemed to revel in the pleasure Josh offered to him freely.

But most of all Issac understood why Josh couldn't tell anyone about them, and Issac enjoyed their secret affair. If Josh were honest with himself, Issac was the only good thing he's had in his life and was glad they had met on a cold blustery day 4 months ago.

"What are you doing here?" Josh asked breathlessly when Issac finally relented. The man just smiled down at Josh and gave a slight embarrassed shrug.

"I know you said you don't like to celebrate your birthday, but I couldn't really bare the thought of you spending it all alone."

"Issac…"

"So we're not celebrating your birthday technically, it's just two guys who happen to be together on a tuesday night together having a nice dinner of chicken alfredo and fresh garlic bread paired with some expensive wine, finished with some eclairs from that bakery a few blocks away and finally concluding the night with some sensuous bedroom activities."

Josh stared unblinking over Issacs shoulder, thoughts of the day starting to flood back into his mind. Feeling his body going numb again and his mind becoming clouded Josh closed his eyes

trying to push back the dangerous thoughts that had been running through his mind since he left the White House.

"It sounds like just what I need right now." He told Issac leaning in a kissed him, forcing everything in his mind back and just focusing on the feeling of Issac's lips upon his and how his hands roamed Josh's body. Suffice to say, dinner was left to congel on the table.

Hours later Josh laid in bed staring at the ceiling as Issac lay on the other side of the bed fast asleep. Issac had distracted his mind and satiated his body, but in the afterglow as his body cooled and Issac slept his mind began to trickle in with the thoughts of his situation.

He knew how serious the situation was. He knew it the second Carrick had handed him the envelope and asked him to give it to the president. Though politically it wouldn't have had any change in their legislations agenda as Carrick rarely voted as a Democrat as it is but the backlash from the Democrats in the house and the senate will regardless weaken the administration. It will give the Republicans the edge they need to push more of their agendas and amendments through, forcing the White House to comply.

Panic built within him and he sat up quickly, placing his feet upon the cold floor as his stomach began to turn. He felt like he was going to be sick. He caused all this. Everything he touches goes wrong. Josh turned his head slightly looking over his shoulder to the naked man still asleep in his bed. With a pained expression and water burning his eyes he couldn't stand it anymore and he quickly rushed to the bathroom, closing the door quickly before heaving into the toilet.

Josh stayed that way for several minutes until sure nothing else would come. Standing up from the floor he looked into the mirror above the sink, looking at his reflection in the dim light. He hated it. He hated looking at himself. All he saw was a disgusting scared carcass that was meant to be a human but turned out to be something else.

Unable to look at himself any further josh quickly rinsed out his mouth and stumbled out, ignoring the bedroom to head into the living room. He knew no sleep would come to him. It's been so long already, and though his body was exhausted he knew there was no sleep for him. No rest. He rarely ever felt what it was like to be rested. The few times he had were during the sporadic times when Sam and he would somehow end up in the same bed together. Despite the activity before eventually falling asleep Josh would always wake up feeling refreshed, as if the new day would cure everything that was wrong with him. That Sam could cure him.

But he didn't. Sam had left. Over the years of bedding Sam the horror of what he was doing, of who he was began to lessen and lessen and he had fallen hard for Sam. That's not exactly true, he had fallen in love with him the moment they met but the hope of being together and of possible happiness in Josh's future and spurred him. Sam left to run for Congress in California and then decided not to come back.

Shaking his head Josh tried to push those thoughts away. He hadn't thought about it in months. It came up now and again when he talked to Sam on the phone but for the most part it was too painful, and luckily Josh was good and hiding the pain away.

Josh dug in his backpack that he had dumped right inside the door, momentarily thinking of how it got there. Of how Issac had surprised him. For once he was glad he gave Issac a key. He pulled out his phone and some papers he had to go through, though he thought it was pointless at this time, and returned to the couch. Turning on his phone, his heart skipped a couple beats as he looked at the notifications. There were dozens from just about everyone he knew. Enemy and friend, but what Josh focused on the one on the top, the one that had a dot next to it signaling a message was waiting.

Pressing a few buttons Josh brought the phone to his ear and closed his eyes as he listened to Sam voice on his voicemail. How chipper he sounded. He broke when Sam left but even Josh couldn't deny the change of Sam back to his pre-White House days once he left.

Glancing at the time on his phone Josh did the timezone math. It would be 1 AM pacific time. It would be too late and Sam would probably be asleep but he pressed the call button anyways. His mind was going crazy and his life was being turned upside down and out and Josh needed to hear a kind voice who understood what he was going through.

"Hello?" A groggy voice answered on the other line. Josh knew it was Sam, he had heard it many times over the years. Terror filled his chest suddenly and he moved his mouth trying to get words to come out. To apologize for calling so late, for calling at all but that one word had stopped all functions in him. A long pause extended and Josh heard movement on the other end and a click that was probably a light switch. "Josh? Is that you?" Josh tried to speak. "Josh, please answer, I've been so worried for hours."

"I'm here." Josh whispered into the phone, wondering if it was loud enough to carry to Sam. He heard Sam sighed in relief.

"Josh, I...well first off happy birthday though I don't know how happy it was." Sam paused and Josh continued to sit in silence, feeling his body relax at Sam's tone. "I'm sorry about the Carrick thing."

Josh choked out a small laugh. "I think it's bigger than just a 'thing' Sam." He stated.

"I know, I...how are you doing?" Josh inhaled deeply turning over what answer he should give to his friend. The truth, a lie, or play it down.

"I don't know." He said honestly. "A bit numb, a little sick."

"So, normal than?" Sam stated causing Josh to smile a bit. He wished Sam was here with him, to hold him and tell him everything would be alright.

"Yeah, my default setting. One congressman away from being a bomb." Sam laughed at the other end and Josh's heart fluttered.

"What are you going to do Josh? The press is going to Crush you."

"It's not really the press I'm too worried about at the moment." He paused. "I'm going to hand in my resignation tomorrow."

"Don't do that Josh, you love this job, You are this job."

"Maybe it's time I be something else." Josh reasoned. "I was lying in bed this evening and all I could do was go over everything that I could do, everything about me that makes me a huge liability. If I resign, the White House could at least attempt salvage some part of themselves."

"What would you do if you left?" Sam asked softly. Josh couldn't answer that question. He knew the answer but he refused to say it out loud, especially the Sam. Josh knew that once he left the White House, resigning in shame, he would just disappear. And he didn't mean just go into hiding, he meant just let all the pain and anger that always burned just beneath the service out and let things fall where they fall.

"I don't know Sam." He said unblinkingly.

"You should come down here. I don't know a single person on this earth that needs some sun and relaxation more than you. You could stay with me and-"

"No, Sam." Josh sighed out closing his eyes as hard as he could. "You can't do that."

"Do what?" Sam asked sounding confused. Josh wondered if Sam even knew what he does to him.

"I can't come to California. I can't...look, I should go." Josh replied suddenly, he needed to get off the phone with Sam. The hurt was too much now.

"Ok. Give me a call tomorrow?" Sam asked him. He didn't know if he would be able to. If anything would be left of him to be able to call.

"Yeah, sure. It was...was...really good to hear your voice Sam. I needed it." And with that Josh hung up not waiting for any reply. He tossed the phone over to the other side of the couch and brought his hand up to his mouth trying to mask any noise that probably coming out of him.

Josh felt like he was splintering and he knew. He had felt himself breaking for weeks already. This Carrick thing was just the straw and Josh was well aware he was falling fast, and the landing would cause the end of him.

With that last though Josh buried his face into one of the pillows on the couch and let out a dreadful scream before the tears came and he crumbled.

A/N2: Still looking for that fic I mentioned at the bottom of chapter 1.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Still no reviews...Well, I hope you're enjoying it.

Chapter 3

"I swear if i have to talk to one more member of the Democratic party about the Carrick thing I'm going to go on a murder spree." Toby stated as he took a large gulp of his beer.

It had been almost two weeks since Carrick switched parties and the entire senior staff sans Josh had been dealing with the aftermath. Leo had benched Josh. He didn't just scale back Josh's legislative portfolio as they were told, he basically cut it completely. He was no longer staffing the president, he was no longer sitting in meetings. Josh seemed to not even be part of the senior staff at all.

"You think you have it bad? The press is going to literally eat me alive any day if I don't start giving them the answers they so desperately want." CJ remarked holding her glass out for Donna to pour more wine into it.

"This is killing our news cycles. "Toby said. "None of our agendas are being pushed through."

"It's not like there's much to report anyways Toby. None of our bills are even getting looked at." CJ said. "The party leaders are refusing to work with us now."

"Is it really that bad? Donna asked worried. She had watched from a distance as the rest of the senior staff ran around half mad in the past few weeks but she didn't really pay attention or dive into it. She knew she could probably be a lot of help to them but her main focus right now was on Josh.

"Yes!" CJ exclaimed. "Everybody is waiting for an action, for Josh to come out from the shell we pushed him into and get back to work, or for Leo to fire him like the leaders want him too."

"Which one woud be the best option?" Donna asked, already knowing the answer to it but needing to hear it out loud regardless.

CJ gave a loud sigh and pursed her lips. Donna could tell that she was trying to find a way to soften the blow to the answer but there was no way of doing it. "The best thing for this administration is for Josh to resign."

Donna sat back on the couch and looked around the room at the beautiful murals that covered the walls. She was tired and weary and hadn't stopped worrying since she found out. While the others had been dashing about trying to put out the fires that this situation has caused Donna had been doing what she could for Josh, which, if she were honest with herself, wasn't going very well.

It was easy for her to tell since that one Christmas a few years ago, that Josh was on a self destructive path. It was a penchant that Donna had picked up quickly soon after she had returned to the campaign after she had left to get back together with her boy friend. She couldn't be sure then but watching Josh over the months of travel and events trying to get Bartlett into the white house, when failure came Josh did not shake it off like everyone else.

It was most apparent to her when Josh had come back after his father's funeral. He had been quiet and withdrawn, two things she knew was something Josh Lyman never was. After a few weeks of that she was almost desperate for him to smile or to argue. To be anything but complacent. She had a plan ready to go where she would go to his hotel room, knock on his door and whatever happened would happen. Though she knew it was cliche she believed she had genuine feelings for this man and she had no problem giving in and working some tension out of him if it helped.

However it didn't work out that way at all. She had watched him all evening, waiting for him to go upstairs to his assigned hotel room. And just as she saw him stand up and head towards the elevator, she stopped in her tracks as Sam stood up with him, his left hand on his lower back, fingers seeming to dance a tune out as he followed Josh.

"He already tried to resign." Donna said softly to the other two occupants. " Leo wouldn't accept it."

"Good, he shouldn't have to." Toby stated firmly. "What has he been doing these past few weeks? I've barely seen him"

Donna sighed, feeling tired. She checked the clock on the wall above the door noting she should probably check on Josh soon, convince him to go home. "He's been working on my 'What Ashame' folder."

"Your what?"

"Its this folder I have of things we wanted to do and get passed into law or funding that we never had time for or was pushed aside for one reason or another."

"While that is an excellent idea we actually have more important things to work on Donna." CJ stressed seemingly annoyed.

"I know that" Donna snapped back. "Leo wont let him work on anything current and Josh needs something to do or he will go crazy." 'or worse' she thought.

A light tap on the door stopped any response that was coming from CJ and Donna was grateful. She could see the other woman gearing up and being as articulate as CJ was Donna wasn't up to her level if it came to an argument.

"Sorry, CJ someone from MSNBC is on the phone wanting to discuss and interview." Carol said.

CJ gave a loud put upon sigh and drained her glass of wine in one gulp, setting the glass down on the table harder than what was strictly necessary. With a tilt of her head and an eye roll she left the room followed by her assistant leaving Donna and Toby alone for a moment before he too stood up to leave.

"You keep an eye on him." He said quietly. "The consequences of our actions in relation to this could be worse than just losing a carrick."

Josh sat at his desk staring down at the large file before him but seeing nothing. His eyes felt heavy and his head felt heavy and clogged. He knew what he needed was sleep but no sleep would ever come. He had tried for weeks and all he did was spend hours staring up at the ceiling above his bed or couch.

The relationship he had been building with Issac had been falling to the wayside. It had stopped being about two people being together, possibly falling in love and turned into just sex. It was those nights when he could lose himself in Issac that he was able to get any sleep at all. His satiated body would relax and his mind would be blissfully empty allowing him to fall into a restless sleep at least for a couple hours.

However it appeared Issac had caught on and Josh was still trying to determine if it was a good or bad thing. On one hand he needed the release and reprieve from himself. On the other, what kind of relationship could he really offer Issac. He was, or had been, a high ranking politician who advised the leader of the free world. Being with Issac would mean eventually he will have to come out of the proverbial closet whether by choice or forced he wasn't sure.

That was something that Josh couldn't do. Ever. He had struggled with himself his entire life over his being gay. It caused him great distress and pushed him into desperate and dangerous mind frames that have on more than one occasion driven him to points of no return, barely escaping death, or worse, the end of his career which he put everything he was in.

Issac didn't understand that and had pushed him several times to come out. He wanted to have an open relationship with Josh, had said he was falling in love but for Josh it wasn't an option and he had known that the relationship would fall apart. Besides, he didn't love Issac. He couldn't. There was only one person whom he could love, but like with Issac, he refused to act on anything.

"What are you still doing here?" A voice asked startling Josh from his pondering. He looked up to see Leo standing at the door, looking unblinkingly at Josh.

"I was uh...working on something." His voice croaked as he looked at his watch noting the time. "I didn't realize it was so late."

Leo came further into the room and placed himself in the guest chair in front of Josh's desk. "What are you working on?"

"It's a legislative bill on funding for children with disabilities."

"Josh, I told you-"

"I know, I haven't done anything with it." Josh said wearily. "I was just reading over the information and see if there's something we can do with it."

Leo sighed heavily as he ran his hand down his face. Josh could see how exhausted he was. More than normal and the guilt in his gut twisted into tighter knots knowing he caused it."

"I don't want you working on any legislative related things Josh. We're having a hard enough time right now getting what we already have passed in the house and senate without adding anything you've touched to it."

"But i've touched those current bills and proposals Leo." Josh murmured. "Most of what you have is what I put together."

"And there you see our problem." Leo commented not unkindly.

Josh lowered his head and stared down at the paper on his desk again, trying to breath and not let his emotions get away from him. Curling his hands into fists and covering his eyes with them he could feel the crescents of his nails digging into his palms. It stung but he kept his fists tightly together.

"I'm sorry Leo." he said softly, dropping his hands back down to the desk, ignoring the small bit of blood that fell upon the paper underneath them.

"It' a little late for that isn't it Lyman?" Leo bit out. "I told you you were too hot going in but you insisted. I knew I shouldn't have let you go in. That's on me. But what you did, how you handled it, that's on you."

Josh clinched his jaw tightly, knowing if he opened it his voice would crack and the tears that burned in his eyes could come falling down, and that was something he didn't want Leo to witness. He was afraid Leo would see him as weak and fire him anyways, which, Josh thought, didn't sound so bad at the moment.

With that thought in mind he reached into his desk and took out the white envelope he had previous tried to give to Leo unsuccessfully and hoped he would accept it now. "Here." He said simply placing the envelope on the other side of the desk near Leo.

Leo stared at it for a few moments as Josh watched him contemplate it. "I'm not accepting this." Leo finally said pushing the envelope back to Josh.

Josh's heart sank. It was the best thing for the administration. But the time it took Leo to reject it told Josh that the option of firing him or Leo finally accepting his resignation was coming closer. At some point Leo will have no choice but to do one of the other.

"You keep working on that thing." Leo gave. "But don't do anything without running it through me first. You will need my approval first." Leo stood up from the chair and headed for the door, stopping just outside the frame before turning back. "Things will get better." He said with a weak smile before walking out.

Josh let the tension leave his body allowing his head to hit his desk harder than was strictly necessary.

"He rejected your resignation again?" Donna's voice said quietly startling Josh. Lifting his head he saw she had the envelope in her hands turning it over in her fingers.

"Yes, but I think I'm breaking his resolve." Josh joked tiredly reaching out to take the envelope back as Donna frowned further.

"I wish you wouldn't do that Josh. You're valuable to the team"

"Don't worry Donna. Once they accept it i'll be sure you are taken care of." He said. "They at least owe me that much.

"That's not what I'm talking about Josh." Donna said louder crossing her arms over her chest. "You shouldn't resign. You did nothing wrong. You said so yourself that Carrick was already going to leave"

"That doesnt matter and you know it." He replied, his tone even.

"It should matter."

"Well it doesn't. This is politics Donna. Lifes not fair and it's doubly so for politics." Josh closed his eyes and took a few breaths. He knew Donna was trying to get arise out of him but he couldn't bring himself too. He felt even more exhausted now than he did before Leo came in, which he didn't think was possible. "You should go home Donna."

"I'll go when you go." She answered stubbornly. A small smile on the side of his lips appeared for a second or two at her.

"I'll be going in a few minutes. I just need to tidy a few things up."

Donna stared at him a minute or two in that way that always made him think she could read his true self. But he knew she couldn't. He held a lot of secrets and though she has come close before revealing one or two she always was off a degree.

Nodding her head finally she picked up a few files in the out box and left his office as quietly as she came in. Letting out a weary sigh Josh turned his chair to stare out the window, waiting for the sounds of her coat being put on and her shout of goodbye she did every night.

As he waited he debated calling her back. He didn't want to be alone. He wanted someone to talk to, someone to comfort him and tell him everything will be alright.

Who he wanted was Sam.

Sam watched the evening news, one leg crossed over the other on the couch and his hand rubbing his forehead trying to stave off a migraine he could feel coming. He hadn't been able to sleep much the past few weeks, his mind worried about his friend. He spoke to Donna every other day or so to get an update on Josh. He couldn't be sure if she was playing down how he was doing or if he was actually taking it all in stride.

Knowing Josh as he did it was probably the former.

Josh was good at hiding things. Everyone, including himself have told Josh he has a lousy poker face, but Sam knew it was quite the opposite. Josh could hide anything. And he does. Even Sam didn't know the extent of the secrets that lie within his best friend and it had caused him more worry than he'd ever admit.

The first apprehension he had about Josh was during that night together when he was an intern. His body was on fire as he began to kiss Josh and trail his fingers down his body. Once he was finally in Josh's bed it had felt like Josh's mouth was everywhere all at once. He had never felt the need for one person so badly in his life and with that desperation to have Josh he quickly pulled off his clothes and Joshes.

As he pulled the long sleeved shirt Josh always seemed to wear over his head, Sam had paused for a few beats at the lines that had littered Josh's body. He had opened his mouth to ask only to find Josh's tongue in it forcing Sam back to the task at hand.

He never got a chance to ask about all the scars he found on Josh's body. Giving into the pleasure that Josh was giving him, his mind dismissed them and he gave into the feeling of Josh. The next morning he had found Josh sitting at the end of his bed, clothes back on, hunched over with his hands clasped behind his head as he rocked back and forth. Sam had been scared and not sure what to do, so getting out of bed he came to kneel naked in front of Josh, his heart aching at the pain on his friends features.

"I'm sorry." Josh had choked out. Sam tried to comfort him but all Josh would say was 'I'm sorry' over and over again until something snapped in himi and he stood up quickly almost knocking Sam over. Sam had watched him with a weary expression as Josh walked passed him towards the bathroom, stopping without turning around. "I think it's best you go. You have a lot to do today." And he walked into the bathroom.

"The White House is still saying that Joshua Lyman is a valued member of the senior staff and will not be terminated or forced to resign. Fellow Democrats around the U.S. Is still calling out for it, saying that it's time for a change from Lyman's tactics-"

Sam turned off the TV, not wanting to hear anymore. Not wanting to hear his friends name pulled through more mud. Donna had told him that Josh had resigned but Leo refused to take it. He was glad of that. Josh needed the White House and though they refuse to see it at this point ini time, the Whitehouse needed Josh as well.

The sound of his cell ringing brought Sam out of his reviere, groaning internally believing it to be work again.

"Sam Seaborn." He answered. There was silence on the other end and he felt annoyance at first until realizing who it most likely be. "Josh? Is that you?" He asked.

"Hi Sam." Josh said finally, breathing his name like a sigh.

"Its a bit late out there isn't it?" He asked, knowing from experience there was no such thing. Josh gave a soft chuckle and Sams heart sped up a bit at the sound.

"Time is for those who aren't running a country. Though I guess I should be taking advantage of it right now." Josh said and Sam frowned.

"You could. I can't imagine anyone else on the planet who needs a week of just sleep more than you."

"I wish I could sleep a week but I'd settle for a couple of hours."

"Insomnia back?"

"Something like that." The tone in Josh's voice hit several cords in Sam. His friend was an upbeat guy who could make a joke out of anything. But all Sam could hear through the phone was exhaustion which usually meant a crash was coming and he wasn't so sure it was a bad thing at the moment.

Josh was one of those people who kept going and going until they literally couldn't go anymore and crashed. It wasn't something that really happened often but when it did he was gone. Sam had stayed behind when they were on the campaign trail during the two times Josh had crashed then. He did work remotely as it would only last a day or two and Josh always seemed more energized than before after one but there was something unnerving about watching someone who was always on the move lie perfectly still.

"How are you handling things?" Sam asked concerned

"Well Toby has taken up dealing with the house and senate right now with Will working on the speeches that are coming up and I think CJ is about to go postal in the pressroom which will of course make everything so much better. Leo is-"

"Josh, I didn't ask how they were handling things I was asking how you were." Sam interrupted. There was silence on the other end that stretched longer than was comfortable making Sam think that perhaps they were disconnected. "Josh?"

"It's fine Sam. Everything is fine." Josh said softly.

Sam didn't believe him, couldn't believe him. All evidence and his knowledge of Josh pointed to the contrary. "I don't quite believe you." He risked saying.

"That's your problem Sam not mine. I tried to give Leo my resignation again."

"Did he take it?"

"No, not yet. But I'm sure if I keep offering it eventually he'll have to." Sam gave a sigh of relief and prayed silently that it won't come to that and Leo wouldn't ever accept it or that Josh will stop giving it to him.

"I think I should come back to DC Josh. It sounds like you need someone in your corner."

"I have Donna." Josh protested half heartedly. Sam knew it was true and that Donna would continue to support Josh, but he didn't believe she could support him in the way Josh needed right now.

"Josh-"

"No, just stay in California Sam. I have enough on my plate right now." He stated. "I can't handle having you here as well right now."

Sam's brow furrowed at that, not quite understanding what that meant. It gave him a queasy feeling that there's other things going on at the White House than what is being present in the press or passed on from Donna. "Josh-"

"I have to go now Sam. Sorry to have bothered you, I just needed to hear a friendly voice. I'll talk to you later."

With that Josh hung up and Sam was somewhat frozen with the phone still to his ear, not fully understanding what was going on or what just happened. As he lowered the cell to his lap he debated calling Donna, telling her under no circumstances let Josh be alone as he took the first plane out. But he couldn't betray Josh like that. Josh kept his secrets and valued his privacy.

What Sam had yet to figure out and knew he had to soon, was when it was time to breach those secrets and privacy in time to save his friend.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Text

Chapter 4

Donna watched Josh as he stared down at his desk, eyes half lidded and vacant with his head leaning in one of his hands. It had been almost 15 minutes she had come in to ask him if he wanted her to get something from the mess. She knew his answer would be a soft 'no thankful' as he would shake himself out of whatever daze he had fallen into. It had been the same thing for weeks and on some occasions Donna would relent but for the past few days she had been very adamant about getting him food and failing to get him to eat it.

Everyone had noticed that Josh had begun to drop weight about a month ago. There frequent questions to her about Josh's health. His peaked pallor and tired eyes had caused more than one conversation in the corners of the West Wing for staffers to gossip about. His temperament, absentmindedness, and his aggressiveness had caused the senior staff to believe that his PTSD was flaring up but they were all at a loss on how to help him. It was like Christmas where he smashed his hand through a window all over again. Only this time Donna had been determined to not let that happen. She had come up with a plan and was going to execute it after his birthday.

And then Carrick handed Josh his resignation to give to the president.

It had been a complete 180 from that point. Suddenly all the heat that was driving Josh for the previous weeks had left him and in its place was a withdrawn melancholy replacement. Somehow this version of Josh, which she had seen briefly from time to time specifically around his recovery from Rosslyn, had always scared her more than the angry, stressed, cornered Josh. In this state she didn't have to wonder and worry if Josh would hurt himself to deal with whatever his overly brilliant mind would be playing with him, she knew he would. And that scared her.

Because the scars she knows that is hiding beneath his clothes tells her he would.

It was something that had never been discussed. At least not with her. It was like an unspoken taboo subject among her white house friends. They all knew the scars were there. They had all seen them at one point or another before Rosslyn. They all knew from the way the lines were placed and the cleanliness of the burns that Josh was the one who had done them. Donna had almost asked his mother about them once when Josh had been resting on the couch after finally being released from the hospital, but the way the older woman would occasionally frown as she gently slid her fingers over the markings on her sons body that it wouldn't be a great idea to bring them up.

"Josh." She said softly, almost startled at the sound of her own voice breaking the silence. When she received no response she said his name again a little louder. The only response she received was a small upward quirk of his brow telling her he was listening. "What do you want for lunch?"

Josh's eyes finally focused on her. It took him a few beats to come back from wherever he was but she waited patiently for his attention. The lack of any mental stimulation had taken a hard toll on Josh. He always needed to be doing something, strategizing something, just thinking something to focus on. She had learned that within a few days of working with him. Josh Lyman did not like his mind to be idle.

"What do you want for lunch?" She tried again now that she had some of his attention.

"I'm not hungry." He murmured.

"That's not what I asked you Josh." Donna replied, trying to keep the sternness that she normally needed for him at bay. It wouldn't work this time "You need to eat."

"Bring me whatever Donna. I really don't care what I eat."

"Honestly I don't care what it is either Josh as long as you eat it. You're looking-" She paused trying to come up with the words. He looked like a friend she had in high school who had bulimia right before she had to be hospitalized. She rarely saw her again after that. "You just need to eat Josh."

"Ok." Josh said in that soft way that always belies any situation. He could be on a tirade about how the republicans are yet again screwing over the administration and without a blink say a soft 'okay' and the subject changes and his mood shifts.

"I can bring you a burger, extra burnt." She offered as Josh sat back in his chair, crossing his legs still somehow elegantly. "A pizza? All meat with extra meat? Or a philly cheesesteak. You can never resist a cheesesteak Josh."

Josh gave her a smile that didn't reach even close to his eyes as he let out a chuckle. "I must be really bad off if you're offering my favorite unhealthy foods."

"Well you need the carbs Josh, and frankly I don't think the cholesterol will do harm as you probably don't have much at this point." She tried to jest but it came out flat. She could see in his expression that Josh knew that she was worried, but Donna knew Josh was on a self destructive path right now and wouldn't care."

Josh finally shrugged, sitting up in his chair and reaching for the notepad he had been writing on earlier. "Just bring me whatever you're having." He said. "Salad, soup, whatever it is that blonde little rabbits eat." She was too glad for the teasing to reply about the dig at her diet."

"And you'll eat it?"

"Yes, I'll eat whatever you bring me Donna." He said exasperated. The moment of teasing gone. "Just...let me get back to this okay?" And with that he lowered his head once more and Donna knew she was dismissed.

Donna stayed the chair, watching Josh for a few more minutes before getting up and heading out the door. With her head down she went over all the places nearby.

"Hey you." CJ greeted as Donna existed the office, heading to grab her purse and coat. "I was just coming to find you. Where are you going?"

"I'm going to Tolano's, you want something from there?"

"Didn't you once say there was no just looking at the door could give you heartburn and kill your digestive system slowly?" Donna paused putting on her coat as she thought about that.

"Yeah. I did." She admitted feeling some of the determination she had just had left her.

"What were you going to get?"

Donna sighed and dropped her purse back on her desk. "I was going to get the extra extra large meat pizza with extra meat."

"Were you planning on feeding the whole West Wing?" CJ asked flabbergasted.

"No I was just going to shove the whole thing down Josh's throat." Donna confessed. "He said he'd eat anything I put in front of him, I just thought if it was something he actually liked…"

"Yeah, Donna, I know your heart is in the right place, but you've seen that boy. A twig can probably snap him right now."

"So he can stand to put on a little weight, hence the crab-loaded pizza I was going to...Oh never mind." With a frustrated sigh Donna collapsed into her chair, placing her head in her hands.

"I'm not saying he can't gain cause like...he does, i'm just trying to say that perhaps spoon feeding him actual grease might be better for his digestive system than feeding him the pizza." CJ said gently. She sat on the corner of Donna's desk and gave her a few comforting pats.

"I'm just like really worried CJ." Raising her head Donna turned her head to look at the door she had just exited, feeling guilty about talking about Josh behind his back but needing to share her frustration and concern. A tear threatened to fall from her eyes and she swiped it away not allowing it to fall.

"I know."

"I don't know what to do for him. He's fading away and quickly."

CJ sat quietly as Donna looked up to the tall woman perched on her desk. The press secretary's face and body were those of complete composure and detachment, but Donna could also see regret in CJ's eyes. She had seen it in Toby's eyes as well recently. Both of them claimed to be Josh's friends but they both know that they have been failing to be a friend.

Donna didn't blame them. She knew Josh didn't as well. Toby and CJ had been taking the brunt of the disaster, trying to clean it up, trying to salvage anything they could at this point. They had been mad as Josh at first, of course but as the days and weeks rolled by Donna knew it was more hustling doing double duty than actual anger at Josh.

It wasn't just Josh who was being punished for Carrick.

Taking a deep breath Donna stood up again and grabbed her purse, pulling out her car keys. "I'll go get him a sandwich from that shop on Oregon that he likes so much."

"Yeah, get him some of that chicken noodle soup he likes, I think it's available on Thursdays.  
" Donna nodded at the suggestion and started to head towards the door. "Don't forget some crackers. If all else fails he can eat those. The last thing we want is him purging anything, We don't want any ammunition to fuel the pool more."

Donna stopped in her tracks and paused for a few beats before slowly turning towards CJ once more. "What pool?"

CJ's eyes widened in realization that Donna didn't know about the pools on Josh that was going on. She didn't even want to know about them but as press secretary she had to know what was going on in the White House at all times. "Donna-"

"What pools CJ." She said angrily stepping closer. CJ looked around them for a moment before grabbing Donna's arm and pulling her towards her office. There was no way they could discuss it in such a public area. Just because it was well known already didn't mean she had to advertise it. And the fact that they were so close to the subject in questions office where he currently was made it further important to move the conversation. The last thing they need is give Josh any ideas.

"CJ!" Donna said louder once the door was closed.

"Donna, you know how things are around here." CJ started out trying to pacify her. "There's always pools for just about everything especially current events. You can't have thought this latest thing with Josh would be exempt." She watched as Donna paced back and forth a few times.

"Okay. What pools are there about Josh?" Donna finally asked as she sank down onto CJ's office couch despondently.

"Well there's the normal one of whether or not he'll get fired or not." CJ said calmly as if she were in a press briefing. She had already had her turn at being pissed about this. It was Donna's turn. She only wished that she wasn't the one that had to do it. She had discussed it with Toby at the time and they agreed that emotions were too high and to leave Donna out of it for now. They had to concentrate on cleanup leaving Josh in Donna's care. Donna would not have taken it well.

"Okay, what else." She said with a sigh.

"And there's several about his mental health. You know like if he's going to just go crazy or come in and gun everyone." Donna gasped in horror sitting upright from the couch. "I know!" CJ said stopping anything Donna was going to say.

"These are supposed to be our friends and co-workers. Whatever happened to White House loyalty?" Donna exclaimed. "This is a co-worker! This is their boss! How could they-" She stopped covered her mouth with her left hand. CJ didn't say anything, letting her friend regain some composure. "What else."

CJ thought for a moment, deciding if she just tell Donna that knowing wouldn't do anything. The pools would continue even if a complaint was launched at the highest level. Josh was very well known in Washington. There were people all the way from Congress and Senators down to some intern in an office that nobody knew about that wanted a piece of this action. She felt the same way Donna is now, the horror and disgust that so many people were making money off her friends well being.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes, Donna trying to control her emotions while CJ watched, feeling helpless at what to do. For a moment CJ had wished she thought to call in Toby before having any discussion like this. He could hide his emotions as well as anyone but there was no denying he was just as pissed off at this as Donna was.

"Never mind." Donna sniffled, wiping away a few stray tears. "I have to go get something for Josh." She stood up and headed towards the door. "I'm just going to the mess. Do you want anything?"

"No, thank you." CJ said quietly. "But I do need you to do something."

"What?"

"Angela Blake is coming in late this afternoon. The budget meeting is in 2 days and she's coming here to get up to speed. The republican's refuse to negotiate with Josh."

"I know. She requested our files and notes and I'm to go with them and help her."

CJ groaned inwardly and slumped back in her chair, tossing the pen that she had been fiddling with on her desk. "Okay. I wanted you to keep an eye on him. Toby and I are planning to run interference as much as possible to keep Josh and Angela from bumping into each other."

"It's fine CJ. Josh knows about her. I'm positive he'll just stay in his office."

"Good. I'll try to tell her subtly to avoid him if she could." CJ nodded her head. "It's kind of sad we have to do this, isn't it? Keeping Josh locked in his office, no longer allowed to roam free."

"It's not 'kinda' and we aren't locking him in, he's doing it himself and we're supporting it." With that Donna left before CJ could reply. "Oh and CJ," Donna popped her head in. "If you could call Sam I'd appreciate it. He doesn't believe me anymore on what's going on."

Just the mention of Sam brought more sadness inside her. She missed her friend dearly. Sam was always the light in the little senior staff of darkness. He was idealistic and optimistic even in the worst of times. He would bring hope when there was none and continue non-stop till the issue was resolved.

Just about everyone loved him. He was nice to everyone regardless of their position or in those rare times he was frustrated or angry. He could even deliver the most devastating news to anyone and somehow make you feel okay, like something will come along and fix it.

And of course there was his looks. That dark hair, those bright blue eyes, the shape of his brow. He turned heads wherever he went, both men and women. Panties would drop and fly wherever he went. And what was most endearing was that he knew how he looked, he worked hard to look that great, but he didn't flaunt it, he would shy from it either, it was just him and he acted like anyone else. And to Sam everyone around him was just as beautiful as he was, and he treated them as such.

She would also be amiss though if she didn't mention the passionate side of Sam Seaborn. He stood by his convictions and would push hard at what he believed in. It was a electrifying sight to watch this nice perfect articulate man when he did that. When he would harden somewhat, school his face to neutral and push his way through, making sure he was heard.

Or as Josh would call it, Sam's 'lawyer' mode. It was really hot and CJ wished she could see him in a courtroom.

When he left to California to run for office, his presence was missed immediately, especially once his substitute as Deputy Communications Director showed up. CJ shivered at the thought of Will. She hated that little weasel. She was pissed he had left them in a bind by leaving so quickly but she was also glad she didn't have to deal with him everyday.

It wasn't until the election was over and Sam decided to not come back did his missing presence hit everyone. Before it was as if he was out on a meeting or assignment to another state to talk some house member into something. CJ had felt betrayed at his abandonment. The only person that she knew of who had spoken to him at that time was Donna who though angry at the rest of the staff for distancing themselves from their friend would give them updates on how he was doing.

CJ and Toby were angry, Josh had been indifferent. Thinking on it now a year and a half later and after forgiving Sam perhaps Josh hadn't been as detached as they thought. Thinking back, she could remember him looking sad, as if his heart was broken, as if someone died. It makes sense, CJ thought. Josh and Sam were the best of friends, and she couldn't imagine being as close as they were and then having the other person just leave.

Blinking her eyes hard a few times, CJ sat up from her reclined position and cleared her head. It was no time for reminiscing. There was more work than there were hours in the day and she didn't have time to just sit there.

Standing up she gathered some of the papers on her desk that she would need and was about to leave when she paused and looked down at the phone. Hearing Sam's voice again, just for a few moments was enticing. It had been a month or so since the last time they spoke and she just wanted a few moments, just have him tell her that things will get better and not to worry so much.

"Carol!" CJ shouted, sitting back down with a tired sigh. Carol came in quickly, her face grim, but CJ wanted a few minutes with Sam before diving into whatever cause that expression on her assistants face. "Can you get Sam on the line please."

Carol hesitated a moment. "Sure CJ, but I think you might want to see this first." With that the assistant place a magazine upon the desk and stood by.

CJ looked at it curiously before her eyes widened at the front page headline. She grabbed the magazine in a tight grip as she quickly scanned the words on the page. She couldn't get a grasp on it, they weren't penetrating brain for comprehension until she looked up at the headline again:

"Deputy Chief of Staff Has Gay Love Affair"

Looking up at Carol, dropping her arms with the magazine in her grasp still on it, she tried to compose herself to give an order but she had no doubt that her assistant saw the raw fear in CJ's eyes. "I need a meeting with Leo and Toby right now." She said. "Tell them it can't wait."

"Okay"

"And Carol, get Donna too, but make sure Josh doesn't know. We're about to miss the hill and plow right into a mountain side."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Josh's heart pound in his chest as he follows Margaret down the hall to Leo's office. He was picking at the turkey sandwich that Donna had left for him before she left him at a hurried state when Margaret showed up at his office door saying Leo wanted to see him immediately. Josh had looked up to meet her gaze, trying to gage why Leo would want to see him but he saw nothing. The redhead stood there slightly impatiently apparently waiting for him to follow.

It was never a good sign when Margaret was to escort you.

He went over everything he's done since his birthday that would cause Leo to demand his presence but he couldn't think of anything. Josh had done what he was told and kept his head down and took the punishment, though it was more because he lacked the will to fight then for obedience.

They stopped in the entry of Leo's office where Margaret diligently guarded her bosses door and schedule. She knocked on the door twice before opening it and announcing Josh's presence. He hesitated for a beat before entering the room, looking at anything other than his boss. Grim faces of the senior staff met him as he spied CJ, Toby, and for some unknown reason, Will. Though Will looked more annoyed than grim.

What surprised him most was Donna's presence. She sat in a chair near the back of the room, her face set into a sad expression and wouldn't look at Josh. The beating in his chest stopped for a moment causing a twinge that nearly took his breath away. Out of everyone in the room, though her presence puzzled him, Josh always felt he would have Donna to support him. But her refusal to meet his eye told Josh he wouldn't this time.

Finally Josh looked up to his friend and mentor, his presence exuding authority and demanding respect. Josh had always been in awe of it, even as a young child. But right now, if he were honest with himself, he felt a little frightened. Unlike the others Leo's expression was one of grimness or sadness, it was one of anger. Josh could almost see the fury coming off his boss like rain on hot pavement. Tendrils of smoke rising and dancing.

The door behind him shut, Margarete leaving them, probably standing guard near the door. No words would come to Josh. If he were in his normal state of mind he would have given a quirk with a caustic remark but he was tired and beaten down already and he felt like he had nothing else to give but his attention such as it was.

"Josh, I…" Leo bit out. "Why didn't...how could you…" It was extremely rare that Leo didn't know what to say, and the realizing of it caused the twinge in his chest to tighten further causing him to give a slight gasp for breath.

CJ stood from her position and opened her mouth to say something only to be stopped by Leo raising his hand, not looking in her direction, his angry eyes staring directly at Josh. She gave a sigh and sat back down on the couch rebuffed. Appearing to be unable to state what he needs Leo just tossed down onto the edge of his desk nearest Josh a magazine, indicating Josh to pick it up.

Nerves pulsing in his body Josh looked away, anywhere but Leo or what was on the desk, afraid of knowing what it contained. But by the look of Leo that could melt stone, Josh stepped forward, glancing once more at Donna, her head still down, he reached out and picked up the magazine.

Bile rose to his throat causing Josh to gag. He was able to stop himself but he was instantly thankful he did not eat the food Donna brought him. Josh looked down in shock, his body starting to tremble as he read the headline.

"Deputy Chief of Staff has Gay Affair"

And right below it was a full page image of Josh, arms tightly wrapped around the shoulders of a man, mouths linked together in a passionate kiss. 'Issac' His mind stated repeatedly.

"It gets better, look inside." Leo snarled and Josh hesitated afraid. He didn't want to know, but he opened it anyways to the page that was dogeared for easy location.

Immediately his body went numb as he fought the bile from coming up again. His legs felt shaky and was about to collapse when a gentle hand pushed him down into a nearby chair. Upon the pages that were open were more candids of Josh and Issac, and not just innocent ones like the cover. These were worse and Josh felt violated. He felt like every single pair of eyes that have seen the spread was gazing upon him that very minute. Unable to look anymore he dropped the magazine to the floor as if it were on fire and looked up to face the full rage of the man he held such respect for, willing to take whatever the man gave him as Josh knew he deserved it.

"What the hell were you thinking?" The man said loudly, his fire filled eyes meeting Josh's. "I want an answer Josh, what the hell were you thinking? You're gay? You're fucking gay?"

"Leo!" CJ shouted and Leo seemed to pause, taking a deep breath and turning his gaze away from Josh. Josh couldn't move as he watched. He felt every vibration of every word Leo had spoke echo in his body. His heart felt like it was about to leap out of his chest, the remaining pain from the wounds that would never heal from his recovery growing exponentially.

"I don't-I don't care your gay Josh." Leo said calmly for only a moment before raising again. "But you couldn't tell us sooner? You couldn't let us know in advance so we could have some neat little statement to give? To make it a non-issue?

Josh gulped but remained silent, glued to the chair he had been lead into.

"Don't you have anything to say Josh?" Leo demanded furiously. "Do you understand what this could do to this administration? What it will do to the President? Did you look at it properly because there is no way to spin this. Tomorrow morning the whole country will buy the magazine and open it to see one of The Presidents supposed most trusted advisors on his knees with some guys cock shoved down his throat!"

"That's enough Leo." Toby shouted as CJ stood up again.

"I'll resign." Josh managed to choke out so quietly it was barely heard. 

"Like hell you are." Leo stated. "If you resign we'll have every pro gay organization on our asses."

"We need to craft a statement." CJ piped in drawing Josh's attention from the floor. He didn't want to know what kind of statement that would be put together. Leo was right, there was no way to spin it.

"Who is the other guy in the photos." Leo demanded, ignoring CJ's attempt at moving forward.

Josh's attention was brought back to Leo's at the question. "Issac." He stuttered out.

"And how long has this little affair been going on with this 'Issac'?"

"About six months." Josh answered.

Toby gave a snort behind him. "At least you found a nice Jewish boy for mom. Though I'm not sure nice is the right word." Toby said lightly, trying to lower the tension in the room. It didn't work. Josh didn't comment to Toby's statement. He didn't want to think about his mother's reaction when she finds out. He was scared too.

"Okay, how about this." CJ said still trying to change the direction of the conversation. "When asked the question we say "We don't comment on the personal lives of staffers, that being said President Bartlett has always been open about his support of the gay community."

"The White House denounce the publication and its clear violation of the right to privacy that was brought upon Josh Lyman. With that in mind the White House will make no further comments in regard to the subject." Toby picked up, finishing the state.

Josh was actually impressed with the way the message was crafted, though he knew it was useless. It was obvious the others felt it as well, but it was the best they would be able to do. It wasn't an apology, and it wasn't really showing any support. He didn't expect it. He was pretty sure his co-workers thought him disgusting. A sinner participating in sodomy and should be condemned. His skin felt grimy and stained and all he wanted right then was to go home and take a scalding shower and scrub his body until it was red, raw, and painful. Though he knew that would nothing to alleviate anything.

He was in Leo's office for over an hour with the others, going over options and scenarios. Trying to find a way to control the story. Josh didn't participate, he didn't even know what was really going on anymore. He had sat there with his eyes glazed off into the distance as his mind disconnected from everything around him. It had been blissful, Josh thought as he slowly made his way back to his office. During that time he had felt no pain, no emotions, he heard nothing and saw nothing. It was like he wasn't even there, it was enticing and Josh wondered how to get back to that blank space.

As he reached his office, Josh paused in the doorway. He felt trapped. Leo had told him in no uncertain terms that he was to stay in his office. He wasn't to leave it until he was excused and he was not allowed to talk to anyone outside the senior staff and Donna. At this point, Josh wished his resignation would be accepted. Then he could disappear to an unknown place and let himself fade from existence without the angry words and gazes that seemed to dominate his life now.

Tiredly he entered the office and walked around his desk. Glancing at the papers littering it he wondered idly if Leo would demand he stop any and all projects. They were the only thing that was keeping the little sliver of sanity Josh had together. It kept his mind busy for whatever blissful amount of time he was able to work on it.

'It doesn't matter anymore' His mind told him. Sitting heavily into the chair, he agreed with the statement. 'What am I to do now?' He though, unable to really focus his vision. 'Call Issac.'

Josh didn't want to. He didn't want the conversation but some kind of closure needed to be done. He didn't love Issac, he wasn't sure he was capable of love, but he did care about him. He trusted him and had let his guard down leaving him both physically and metaphorically naked. There was no doubt in Josh's mind that Issac had been unhappy with the relationship the past few weeks, but he didn't think the man would have done this. And he knew it was Issac who took the photos with a hidden camera. They were too candid to be otherwise.

Picking up the phone Josh dialed the phone number and waited. It rang enough times that Josh believed Issac wouldn't answer and was debating if he should leave a message once the machine picked up.

"Hi Josh." A tired and resigned voice answered.

Josh transferred the phone to his right hand as he lowered his head to balance with the left, trying to hide somehow. "Why?" he whispered into the phone.

"Josh…"

"Why Issac? Why did you do it?" Josh needed to know. He needed to know what was the turning point that took them from lovers to this betrayal.

"I don't know Josh." Issac signed as Josh closed his eyes tightly shut, trying to control his breathing.

"There has to be a reason Issac." He said. "There has to be a reason why you did this instead of just breaking up with me."

"The money was too good." Issac confessed. Tears stung Josh's eyes and he let out a few little sniffles. He refused to cry though. He did all this to himself.

"I could have given you money." There was silence between the two for a few minutes and for a moment there Josh thought Issac had hung up on him.

"Josh, look...It was obvious that the relationship was over, if there was ever one to begin with. I wasn't originally intending this but someone from Enquirer stumbled upon your secret and approached me with an offer that I would have been the biggest mistake of my life if I passed on it."

"So you planted camera's and invited me over." Josh stated, thinking on that night.

It has been about a week since he'd seen Issac. They had spent little time together other then for sex since Josh's birthday. Issac and practically pleaded with Josh to come over, have some dinner with him and relax like they used to. It was too enticing for Josh to pass up. He was desperate to be wanted, to have nice things said and no tension that was choking him. It had been a peaceful dinner and sometime halfway through a movie that was on TV their kissing had become more slow and steady and hard and Josh had climbed up on top of Issac on the sofa and began kissing his way down the man's body before ending up on the floor and Issac's pants pulled down.

He felt disgusting.

"For what it's worth Josh, i'm...I'm sorry."

"Oh good it's all fixed now." Josh said derisively.

"You need help Josh." Issac said before Josh could say anything else. "I don't know really what is wrong with you but you need to get some help before you get to a point where you can't turn back"

Tears finally escaped from his eyes at the words from the other man. He gave a wet sardonic chuckle as he wiped away the moisture on his cheek. "Well luckily for you my mental health is not your problem." And with that he hung up without hearing a reply.

He sat there in silence, his body trembling as he tried to control his breathing. One less person he had to deal with. It was a good thing.

"Josh?" a soft voice startled him and he looked up to see Donna standing in the doorway, finally looking at him. However now that he saw the look in her eye, he wanted her to go back to avoiding eye contact.

"We're done for the day, you can go home." He said softly sitting up in his chair. He reached out to the various papers on his desk and began stacking them just to have something to do while Donna scrutinized him.

"I'll go when you go." She said.

"I'm going in a few." He replied.

"I'm going to come with you." Josh looked up then "I don't want you to be alone."

Josh lowered his eyes back to the desk, unable to look at her any longer. The sympathy she felt for him was oozing off her and it seemed so thick that he could hardly breath. "I'm already alone." He whispered.

"I can't let you go home alone Josh. It's not an option."

"It's not an option for you to come with me Donna. The last thing we need to add to this disaster is rumors of me having an affair with my assistant.

He heard Donna let out a breath and could almost feel the vibrations of her minds coils working for a solution. She would find none.

"At least promise me you wont do something stupid." she said. "That you'll call me."

Josh bobbed his head slightly for a moment as a chuckle escaped, and before he knew it laughter was coming out. Her request was simple and for most people small but it just seemed so ludicrous for it to be said to him after everything. The uncontrollable laughter felt good. His lungs felt lighter and his chest hurt but in a good way. He leaned back in his chair and rested his head, crossing one leg over the other in a casual manner that had once been him.

"It's a little late to ask that isn't it?" He asked with a smile. "At this point I can think of nothing worse than images of me giving a blowjob to my now former boyfriend being made public.

"I can." Donna replied breathily. The two of them were silent, each scrutinizing the other

Josh couldn't make the promise she wanted from him. He knew what she mean by being stupid and he wished he could give her the peace of mind that all will be alright. But he couldn't, and he wouldn't because making that promise to Donna and not being able to keep it would hurt her.

'It would also free her.' He thought, being the first to lower his eyes. Feeling his body sag as if an elephant was sitting on top of him, Josh used what remaining strength he might have to push himself out of his chair. The exertion to do such a simple task was enormous on him and he had to take a moment to steady himself before reaching for his coat and scarf.

"Josh. Please." Donna begged him, placing her small hand on his arm. He stared at it for a moment before looking up to meet her.

"I can't promise you that." He sighed. "But I can promise you I'll see you tomorrow."

"Josh-"

"That's all I can do Donna. I'm sorry." And with that he walked away from her, exiting his office and heading towards towards the exit. He could feel Donna's eyes on him again as he left but he refused to turn around. He didn't want to see her worried expression.

The second he left the building Josh was hit with a hard gust of wind that went directly to the core of his body and taking what breath he'd managed away. It was hard to believe that it was almost December. It seemed like time crawled almost to a stop prolonging everything. But one thing was certain,

He wasn't sure he'd survive another birthday.


End file.
